Revolution

I've never understood it. I've always been a fighter. Not angry. Not looking to prove myself, or pick a fight. But inside. I've always felt like a warrior. Like I belong on the front lines. 

What's crazy to me, is that I still feel like I haven't gotten there. 

I've served. And submitted. My whole life, it's all I've done. It's all I know how to do. 

Not because I couldn't go do something revolutionary. Or because I didn't want to. Revolution is my heart. It's in my warrior blood. 

But I've never felt released to go do it.  

Because I think the thing about revolution is that it has to be released. I feel anointed for revolution. But I won't get there if I go before I'm released. 

King David was anointed to be the king of Israel while there was still another king on the throne. How interesting that must have been. We often think that since we're anointed, that means we possess it immediately. But sometimes you're anointed, and your time hasn't come. So your job then, is to wait. And serve. And submit. And be FAITHFUL. 

Because the truth is:

Revolution is not for the weak. 

Revolution is not for the lazy. 

Revolution is never about status. 

Revolution is never about popularity.

Revolution by definition is about a new system, a change of order. Or maybe it's about a shift of order. A reclaiming of order. A repossessing of order. 

Revolution is not a choice. Either you're called to it, and you'll do whatever it takes, or you're not and you won't. I know I'll do whatever it takes. 

And maybe I'm totally crazy. Maybe my time will never come. But I'll be ready for it, no matter what. 

Sorry Culture

I realized today that I've probably never once thanked God for the body that I have. I can't remember ever thanking him for it. Which sounds utterly ridiculous. I've spent years frustrated over my size, shape, metabolism, build, skin color, you name it. I've complained about it.

How incredibly ungrateful. I am mortified that I've never thanked God for giving me the body he gave me. Psalm 139:14 says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My body is a gift, perfectly designed, uniquely chosen for ME. God made no mistake in knitting my body together. Who am I to say it's not right? Do I know better than the Creator? 

Enough complaining about my body. I am going to be grateful. I'm going to thank God for MY body. Enough being spoon-fed our thought process on body image and beauty. It's time to break out of the mold. It's time to think for ourselves.
Sorry, Culture, that would demand me to be dissatisfied. Sorry, Culture, that tells me I'm not thin enough. Sorry, Culture, that would prefer me to live in shame over not having the "perfect" body. Sorry, Culture, that doesn't make clothes to fit people with my body type. Sorry, Culture, whose trends and fashions are impossible to keep up with. Sorry, Culture, that makes it clear at every possible moment I won't ever be good enough. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!! 

Sorry Culture. I'm done with you. 

Where Am I Found

Where am I found 

Is it in you? 

Where am I now

Am I with you? 

I am caught 

Between empty things 

And forgotten dreams 

And things that aren't what they seem 

I am confused 

By what I see 

By what I don't 

And what I think should be 

And my soul screams 

Where am I found 

Is it in you? 

Where am I now

Am I with you? 

I am called

To walk this road 

And to leave a mark 

Even if I stand alone 

I am content 

Because You don't fail 

And You don't leave 

You don't even sleep at all 

And now I know 

Where am I now? 

I am with you 

Where am I found? 

Only in You 

The Way We Were

I was reminiscing the other day on where I was 5 years ago. Quite a different place, quite a different person, I suppose. 

Not radically differently. Fundamentally speaking, I don't think I've ever changed. I love Jesus, passionately. Passionate about serving Him, no matter what the cost- and believe me, I've counted it. 

I am ok with letting ideas challenge my naturally black and white logic. It's interesting that my husband's job has become paramount for challenging my thought process. It's difficult to watch people be hateful towards you or what you do and determine that your response can and must not be anything other than deep and sincere kindness. I guess Jesus was pretty familiar with that. 

For anyone out there who thinks poorly of me, or thinks I'm crazy,  just know that Jesus is still working on me. I guess you can take consolation in the fact that He is still challenging me to be more like Him. The only thing going for me I guess, is that I want Him to change me. I'm not resistant to it, because it's all I really want. 

But I digress. 

There are certain times and places, people that I miss. At times it's hard to remember we were close once. Every now and then I wonder what it would be like if we still were. But it's quite irrelevant now. Lots of good memories, and fond times. And certainly some unpleasant ones as well. But those days are long gone. Thankfully. Ha. 

Nevertheless, I am immensely thankful for where I am now. The people that have been brought into my life have helped push me to be who I am supposed to be. Thank God for them. Thank God for everyone who ever took a chance on me. It was risky, but it made all the difference for me. Life really is a journey. I just hope I end up where I'm supposed to be at the end of it. 

But that's just me. If you dare to be so transparent, who were you 5 years ago? What would you change? Would you choose anything differently? 

Real Life and Superheroes

I've always felt like a hero. Yikes. That sounds big. And self-important. I don't mean it that way. I've just always deeply identified with THE hero. I've always been willing to give up what I want for the good of others. I deeply identify with the righteous quest of the hero. It's how I feel about life. But the thing is, this is real life, and we're not superheroes. 

It would be so easy if I was a hero in a book. I would just be handed my quest, or stumble upon it in some dark cave and then I would start off on my journey to save the world. It would be simple, and I would know my path. It wouldn't be easy, because what hero's journey is? But I'm ok with that. I don't mind things being difficult, as long as I know my goal, my purpose. 

I'm a task oriented person. I don't mind the task, as long as I know that in the end it will get me where I'm supposed to be. 

So what does a task oriented person do without a task? What's a hero without their journey? Just waiting, waiting...waiting. Looking at all the possibilities and still having no answers. It's infuriating. Part of me is screaming, "SOMEONE GIVE ME MY TASK!" But in reality, I'm not sure I'm even ready for it. I want to be though. 

I'm not afraid of hard work, or sacrifice. I'll gladly sacrifice if it will make a difference. Here's hoping the journey continues, or the next task reveals itself soon. 

This isn't a self-pity sort of post. Quite the opposite actually. It's amusing, humorous even.
It's just my process. Mulling over my thoughts. Trying to figure them out. Maybe even make sense of it all. 

After all, a hero doesn't like to sit around on the couch watching the world go by...

A Quiet Warrior

Something that happened recently that I want to share.

Somedays it seems like a battle. In the quiet watches of the night it began. No warning. No impending sense of doom. Just out of the darkness came the threat. I rationalize to myself, "it's not real." But it felt real. The horrifying terror, the inability to make it make sense.
I laid there for what seemed like hours. I'm sure wide-eyed and terrified, even if only inwardly. Finally when I could take no more, and there was no relief, I turned and woke up my husband. I asked him to pray. He prayed. A long time passed, or so it seemed. I don't even know what he said, because my own prayers never ceased. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, there was peace. Blessed peace. I don't know what I just withstood. I don't know if there was some trial I had to go through. I don't even know if that fear was for me.

On my way to work the next morning, I was still pondering. The Lord reminded me of this scripture in Philippians 4:7 "And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Now Webster's dictionary defines the word 'garrison' as such:
A military post; especially: a permanent military installation.

I like that promise. God's peace has formed a permanent military installation over my heart and mind. I needed that. That blessed assurance. What a sweet revelation in the assessment of battle.

I don't know who I prayed for that night. But if I faced even a fraction of what you're facing... I pray that God's peace would garrison over your heart and mind. Seems like you'll need it.
And know that, for whatever reason, there is quiet warrior who is fighting on your behalf in the silent hours of the night. And it's not because I'm awesome. It's because Jesus loves you so deeply, that he calls on a random person to pray on your behalf. He loves you. More than anyone you've ever known. More than anyone else ever could.

Life Questions

Now that I've been married over three years the question is constant: "so when are you guys having kids?"
The question doesn't bother me, I know it's only natural. And it's a question I ask myself constantly. When are we going to have kids? I don't have an answer.

It's funny, because as a child, I always wanted kids. I couldn't wait to have kids. Now I'm an adult and the idea of having kids mildly terrifies me. I know I'll never "feel" ready. It's not about waiting to be "ready." Its not even about me being afraid of not being a good parent, although trust me, that thought sneaks in there too.

What concerns me the most is what is the end goal? What is the point of having kids? What is the end result that I should be aiming for when they grow up? These are the unanswered questions that plague me. I watch a lot of people, you see. And I think about a lot things. It seems like some parents lose themselves in their kids. And by the time their kids grow up, they don't know who they are or the person they're married to. They've completely lost their identity in their kids.
I just can't help but think that can't be the way its supposed to be. In my head, I want to raise kids that are independent, passionate and driven. I want to raise kids that pursue their dreams, and don't hold back. I don't want to be surprised when my grown kids have their own lives because that's who I raised them to be. I want my kids to see me and their dad pursue our dreams, serve God, and fulfill the calling on our lives. I want that to be what is normal to them. I think examples are one of the most powerful messages you can send. And I want my kids to see the example of passionate people, that know who they are, know their calling and pursue it no matter what.

It's not about being selfish. Because I know you can't be selfish and have kids. For that matter, you can't be selfish and be in ANY relationship. But I struggle with the idea that you have to throw everything out the door when you have kids. I struggle with the idea that your passion and what you're called to do just somehow disappears the moment you have kids. It seems like that's what I've seen a lot of people do. And maybe that's how it should be, I don't know. I won't pretend to be wise enough to know the answer.

Maybe this sounds incredibly stupid or like a ridiculous over-analysis. But these are the things I have to get figured out, or at least come to some conclusion about before I just blindly jump into having kids. The reason that understanding the end goal matters so much to me, is because otherwise I don't know what I'm aiming for. And I want to understand what I'm aiming for before I try raising another person.
I'm not looking for anybody to answer this for me. I'm not sure that anyone can. But I have to write out my thoughts, before I go crazy.

So these are the things that I think about. The things that I lay awake at night praying about and mulling over. I want to be the best possible parent for my children that I can be.
So here's to the journey.