Life Questions

Now that I've been married over three years the question is constant: "so when are you guys having kids?"
The question doesn't bother me, I know it's only natural. And it's a question I ask myself constantly. When are we going to have kids? I don't have an answer.

It's funny, because as a child, I always wanted kids. I couldn't wait to have kids. Now I'm an adult and the idea of having kids mildly terrifies me. I know I'll never "feel" ready. It's not about waiting to be "ready." Its not even about me being afraid of not being a good parent, although trust me, that thought sneaks in there too.

What concerns me the most is what is the end goal? What is the point of having kids? What is the end result that I should be aiming for when they grow up? These are the unanswered questions that plague me. I watch a lot of people, you see. And I think about a lot things. It seems like some parents lose themselves in their kids. And by the time their kids grow up, they don't know who they are or the person they're married to. They've completely lost their identity in their kids.
I just can't help but think that can't be the way its supposed to be. In my head, I want to raise kids that are independent, passionate and driven. I want to raise kids that pursue their dreams, and don't hold back. I don't want to be surprised when my grown kids have their own lives because that's who I raised them to be. I want my kids to see me and their dad pursue our dreams, serve God, and fulfill the calling on our lives. I want that to be what is normal to them. I think examples are one of the most powerful messages you can send. And I want my kids to see the example of passionate people, that know who they are, know their calling and pursue it no matter what.

It's not about being selfish. Because I know you can't be selfish and have kids. For that matter, you can't be selfish and be in ANY relationship. But I struggle with the idea that you have to throw everything out the door when you have kids. I struggle with the idea that your passion and what you're called to do just somehow disappears the moment you have kids. It seems like that's what I've seen a lot of people do. And maybe that's how it should be, I don't know. I won't pretend to be wise enough to know the answer.

Maybe this sounds incredibly stupid or like a ridiculous over-analysis. But these are the things I have to get figured out, or at least come to some conclusion about before I just blindly jump into having kids. The reason that understanding the end goal matters so much to me, is because otherwise I don't know what I'm aiming for. And I want to understand what I'm aiming for before I try raising another person.
I'm not looking for anybody to answer this for me. I'm not sure that anyone can. But I have to write out my thoughts, before I go crazy.

So these are the things that I think about. The things that I lay awake at night praying about and mulling over. I want to be the best possible parent for my children that I can be.
So here's to the journey.