JOY

I’ve been feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit recently. 

The Lord so graciously showed me that my joy has been coming from (and limited to) my circumstances. 

I don’t want to demonize enjoying good things. There are so many wonderful moments in life, and we should take joy in them and be thankful to God for them. 

But there is a difference in taking joy in something, and it being the source of your joy. 

We cannot rely on circumstances for joy. Circumstances change, life ebbs and flows, and there is often hardship, sadness, fear, and worry in our circumstances. If we rely on joy coming from everything going just right, we’ll never stop being disappointed. We’ll be blown around by every changing tide, and, frankly, we can’t live this way. 

Not as followers of Christ. 

He is the source of our joy. All of it. In good, in bad. I’m reminded of it now all throughout my day. And sometimes, it’s a truth we must cling to. When life is wonderful, it’s easy. But when life is hard, that truth becomes a light in darkness. An anchor for the soul. 

In that light, I see better how we can “consider it joy,” even when we don’t love what is happening. How can I not have joy, when I think of all the Lord has done? When I think of His promises? When I remember that He is with me? 

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭

In every circumstance! In good, in bad, in sickness, in health, in life and IN DEATH! 

His plan is working out for our good! He loves us enough to sanctify us. He’s not finished with us!  

There. Is. Joy!! 

Psalm 16 is the passage the Lord brought me to, to meditate on. I will be reviewing this every day, to renew my heart and mind in HIS joy. 

If you’ll indulge me, I’ll write the whole thing below. I hope it blesses you the way it is blessing me. 

“Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” 

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. 

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. 

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. 

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. 

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. 

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭16‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭

The emphasized portion is for me, that phrase is continually in my mind. 

In His presence is fullness of JOY!!! 

Our trials are invitation to JOY. 

We have the opportunity to glorify God in our trials, and not dragging our feet because we have to. But in JOY! He will be our joy, through it all. 

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭118‬:‭24‬ ‭

Today, we can choose. No caveats, or parentheticals. No more shallow joys. 

We can experience the fullness of joy: HIM! 

And If…

I didn’t have anything to say yesterday. I still don’t know what to say. 

I didn’t know Charlie Kirk. But his voice was still profoundly impacting. It was a comfort to know there was a such a powerful voice out there, challenging ideas and inspiring young Americans, not just politically but for the cause of Christ. 

His murder feels devastating, even though I never met him. It feels like our country has shifted and crossed a line from which we cannot return. 

As I laid in bed last night, I couldn’t help but wonder, “how do we respond?” “What do we do now?” And I had this fleeting thought, “I guess the easiest thing would be to teach our children to grow up and be quiet. At least they’ll be safe.” 

And instantly the Holy Spirit reminded me of the words of Esther. As Mordecai challenged Esther not to be silent in the face of the destruction of her people, her response was to accept the challenge and her responsibility to go to the king, saying, “…and if I perish, I perish.”*

What conviction. 

We're not called to be "safe." We are here for the Lord's purpose and will. 

We never have to teach our children to be silent. We can teach them to love the Lord with all their hearts and minds, to give their lives fully to Him, and follow His leading, no matter where it takes them, no matter the cost. 

And if, like Charlie, their lives are cut short at the age of 31, we can rejoice that they answered the call. We can rejoice that the Lord knew the number of their days, and we will see them again. 

I rejoice that Charlie’s family will see him again. I rejoice that this is not the end, and that we can trust the Word of God that says, "He works all things together for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose."** 

Earthly sorrow may not diminish, but there is such hope in eternity. 

And today, to those of us who are still carrying out our earthly assignments, I encourage us all to live in light of those words of Esther. We cannot be turned away from following the Lord at any cost. Let us grow more steadfast in these uncertain times. Let us share more boldly the gospel of Christ. And let us too live with the perspective of Esther: 

“…and if I perish, I perish.” 

*Esther 4:16

**Romans 8:28

Grace

I feel as though I’m at a precipice. Standing. Waiting. Watching. Things are looming before me that I don’t want to do. Not big or bad things, but life things. 

Aging family, kids growing up faster and faster, and sigh...growing older myself. I never thought much about that part, in the former years. But as I approach 40 in the next few years, it's unavoidable. It’s a strange thing to recognize you’re no longer, gasp, a young person. 
 

And aside from myself, there are simply things closer to this side of life that I don’t want. However, time has no respect for my apprehension. No, it marches steadily on. Our only choice is to make ready ourselves and turn into the storm. 

 

The childish part of me wants to be sad and cry, “But I’m not ready!” As if that will somehow magically slow the clock and allow me more time. But it doesn’t, it can’t. It won’t. 

 

And so, I turn to the only place I can go. Because I know that in every moment where I feel “not ready,” scripture will light my path, even the one I don’t want to walk. 

 And truthfully, I want to walk through all the seasons of life with grace and humility, and dare I say, joy. I want my children to see and know that we can do all things through Him, especially the things we don’t want to do. Even the things we’re afraid of. 

 

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

 

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in times of trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, 

though the earth is transformed 

and the mountains are toppled 

into the depths of the seas.

 

I’m so thankful that in my apprehension and uncertainty, I can run to the refuge of my Savior. He will walk graciously with me and uphold me as he leads me into all the places I don’t want to go and, in my flesh, long to resist. Furthermore, I’m thankful he doesn’t let me stay where I am. 

 

I have this picture in my head where a person (me) is stuck in place, knowing they’re being called to keep moving, but as they glimpse what’s ahead, can’t bring themselves to go. 

But for Christ. But for a Savior, who comes beside. He draws near and I imagine it’s like wrapping an arm around my shoulder gently saying, “Come with me.” 

And then purely by His grace alone my feet can move forward again. Though my flesh wants to resist, my spirit longs to go with my Savior, wherever He leads. 

 

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

So off we go again, one foot in front of the other. Knowing full well that at some point we’ll step into all the places I’m afraid of, and don’t want to go. And that’s when I’ll remember that my Savior still walks beside me, offering me His strength and GRACE.*

 

 

Now your worries might be different than mine in this season of life. Maybe it’s the white-hot, searing pain of loss. Maybe it’s the wake of grief. Maybe it’s broken relationships. Maybe it’s a diagnosis. Or prognosis. Maybe it’s just fear of the future, or regret of the past. 

But no matter what it is, the response from our Savior is the same. He draws near, and with an arm around your shoulder, gently whispers, “Come with me.” 

 

As you enter the deepest valley or are holding on for dear life in the darkest storm, He’s steadily alongside. When there is no light, He will be the light. When your heart aches and nearly breaks into pieces, He’ll hold every one and tenderly mend them together again. 

 

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

 

John 8:12

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 

Some of these roads are long and slow. And this is where we learn the beauty of faithfulness and longsuffering. We learn to carry our cross, as He did. Forever striving toward MORE of Him and LESS of me.

 

John 3:30

He must increase; I must decrease. 

 

As I continue to ponder all of these things, these scriptures resound again and again: 

 

Philippians 4:11-12

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 

James 4:6*

But He gives us more and more grace [through the power of the Holy Spirit to defy sin and live an obedient life that reflects both our faith and our gratitude for our salvation]. Therefore, it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD and HAUGHTY, BUT [continually] GIVES [the gift of] GRACE TO THE HUMBLE [who turn away from self-righteousness].”

 

And this is my refrain as I move steadily forward, “He gives us more grace.” 

Now, come with me, let us walk on. 

Worship

To be honest, no one has asked my opinion on this, so I’m not really sure who I’m writing this to or for. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot. So here we are. 

I’ve been on a few worship teams, I’ve lead a few. I’ve been on a worship team since I was 15 years old (I’m now 36 for reference). It’s been a wonderful way to use my gifts and talents; to give them back to the Lord for His glory, His honor and His purpose. None of it has ever been for me, honestly. Everything has always been from Him and for Him. 

And I guess, if someone were to wonder, that’s the key. You want to be a member of worship team? You want to lead worship? 

Let me help you. 

It’s easier than you think. In today’s church, there might be all sorts of core values and priorities that frankly can distract from one very simple focus. I’ve sat through more collective moral failures than I can count. Sorry for the brutal honesty. It’s frustrated me, even nearly jaded me at times. Forgive me, but it is tiresome to watch leader after leader, team member after team member, fall to immorality and sin. 

There is a simple answer for your worship team, your worship leader, and yourself. 

It has to be a singular pursuit. 

Let me explain. If you are on a team, or platform or stage for any reason other than to honor God, to submit your will to Him, and give Him glory and praise, you will fail. If you are on a platform for yourself, for your own visions, vain imaginations or desires, you will fail. Your secret desire that you mask and hide and manipulate so no one sees it will find you out. It will be seen. Of this we can be certain, because everything that is hidden will be made known. He sees your desire, even if you think no one else does. God will not be mocked. He will not accept your worship when there is an idol in your heart. 

So how do you avoid this? Tough love time: Give up yourself. Give up your desires and your demands. Pick up your cross* - and follow CHRIST. 

I know this is an unpopular idea. An ancient one. It won’t satisfy flesh. But spirit will mature and grow and become more like Christ. 

And isn’t that what we want, CHRISTIANS?

The purity of your heart. I don't mean just from immorality. That shouldn't even have to be said (although, believe me, it does). Pride. Your belief that you know better than God. Trust me it's there, in little subtleties, that often go unnoticed. I mean purity of heart, and focus and pursuit. This is what matters. Not a stage. Not a spotlight. That will all disappear. Your precious earthly accolades won’t be with you in eternity. Every step of quiet faithfulness, obedience, humbly yielding your will to the Lord’s, THIS. Every moment we denied ourselves for the sake of Christ, to pick up our cross and follow Him, THIS. 

This is what will stand. And after all, He has set eternity in our hearts.** This is the light in which we live. 

Make HIM your singular pursuit. Now. Before there is anyone watching or noticing. Before anyone is impressed. And when there is, make HIM your singular pursuit*** again and again. No more, no less. 

*Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

Matthew 16:24-26

**He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God]--yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

***or the LORD, the King of Israel and his Redeemer, the LORD of hosts says this, ‘I am the First and I am the Last; And there is no God besides Me.

Isaiah 44:6

Peace

A while back, I felt like the Lord showed me we were entering a season of peace. 

Now, the fleshy part of me wanted to hope for peace of circumstance, but I knew better. 

Not that circumstances can’t be peaceful. But I doubted that the Lord was going to teach us something that way. 

And lo and behold, circumstances did not show themselves to be peaceful. 

But that’s ok. Because peace is something that happens in spite of circumstances. 

Peace that passes understanding.* 

Peace is not circumstances. Peace is not ease of troubles or concerns. Peace is not sheer simplicity. 

Peace is a responsibility, not happenstance. 

Peace is a choice. Peace is a pursuit.**

And our job is to seek it and pursue it. 

Being a peacemaker is more than just dispelling squabbles and disagreements. It’s choosing to establish an atmosphere of peace. Peace in our relationships, peace in our homes, peace wherever we go, in whatever we do. To choose the peace that shows the grace of God in us. And maybe, just maybe, a peace that looks a little like Jesus. 

I haven’t arrived, by any means. But I’m learning. 

And in the midst of learning to shift my focus to pursuing peace, I felt like the Lord told me we would have a peace baby. 

Our incredible Fenna. 

Fenna: peace 

Dawn: at the first appearance of light. 

She is our reminder of peace, our placeholder to draw us back to the constant pursuit of peace. 

Not of circumstance, but in every moment, every hill and valley, to choose PEACE. 

Not to mention, the most precious gift to us. 

* “And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭7‬ ‭

** “Turn away from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭14‬ ‭

Maybe the most incredible verse of all in regards to peace: 

““Blessed [spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor] are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will [express His character and] be called the sons of God.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭9‬ ‭

Let us be makers and maintainers of PEACE. 

Fenna Dawn

Time to share the story of our sweet Fenna Dawn. 

Pregnancy the fourth time around was much better than number 3. It’s always interesting to me to hear different experiences, but for me, being pregnant with the girls was like a dream compared to being pregnant with the boys. 

I felt great for nearly the entire pregnancy with Fenna. Save that first trimester and it’s nausea, and the last couple weeks, which are always the most unpleasant for me. 

So let’s enter the story in that final two-week window. 

My midwife had warned me that since this was my fourth baby I would likely experience more Braxton Hicks than I previously had, and that proved true. Around the last 6 or so weeks I started having contractions daily, and often for hours at a time. Usually they would start in the afternoon and wouldn’t stop until I went to bed. I grew accustomed to them and didn’t pay too much attention to them after a while. However, the last 2 days of pregnancy, I noticed the contractions shifted from the usual kind and seemed to be uncomfortable, even somewhat painful. The first few I wondered if it was real labor, but as I waited, they never increased in frequency, or grew more painful. Again, they went away when I went to bed, so I dismissed it.
So now we come to April 11, and once again, the contractions started up in the afternoon. They were, once again, uncomfortable and somewhat painful, but since there was no real change with them, we carried on like normal. However, that night when I went to bed, the contractions didn’t seem to ease up at all like they had before. I told Sam that these contractions were staying consistent, but that I wanted to go to bed and try to sleep, just in case it was the real thing. 

It was probably about 11:30pm by this time, so we went to sleep. Or at least Sam did. I laid there for a while and tried to sleep, but the contractions were uncomfortable enough that I couldn’t sleep. So I got up around midnight and decided to do some laundry and try to figure out if it was really labor. 

I walked around the kitchen and living room and tried to rest here and there. Nothing really seemed to change much, but the contractions were definitely uncomfortable so around 1:30am, I called my midwife. I felt silly calling her because the contractions hadn’t increased in frequency but since they were uncomfortable and I needed to mildly breathe through them, I figured better safe than sorry. She had also warned me not to wait to call her, as I tend to have babies fast. 

After listening to me have a couple contractions over the phone she decided she would come and check on things, since it takes about an hour for her to get to our house. 

After that, I woke Sam up and told him I’d called the midwife. In his usual form, he jumped out of bed and started rushing around to make sure everything was ready. 

I spent my time walking around in our bedroom and hallway to pass the time. 

At about 2am, I was (finally) fully convinced it was labor. The contractions finally progressed from their constant state of discomfort and mild pain, to the more frequent and intense contractions. So by that point, I was starting to get a little nervous that Winni (midwife) would not make it. Sam calmly told me it was fine if she didn’t make it, and I agreed. We could do it. 

Sam (my hero) made sure everything was ready while I just focused on each contraction until about 2:40am. My water broke with a pop and gushed down my leg.I squeaked out to Sam that my water had broken and I was starting to feel like I needed to push. He managed to get my pants off and at that moment, there was a knock on the door. Thank goodness, Winni was there. Sam told her my water had just broken and that I was feeling like pushing, so she came rushing in to get all her things ready. She quickly stepped out to call her birth assistant, even though we all doubted she would make in time. 

Just as she came back in, I told her I needed to push. I had been leaning on the bed and she told me that it might be better to be on the bed, as sometimes when you deliver standing up, babies can come out too quickly. She suggested a hands and knees position, so as quickly as I could between contractions (and in a most dignified fashion, I'm sure) I catapulted my 38 weeks pregnant self onto the bed. I leaned on my pillows for support and Winni told me to push whenever I was ready, so when the next contraction hit, I started pushing. 

I have no real sense of time in those moments, it seemed like a long time to me, but in a couple quick pushes, her head was out (no ring of fire this time) and Winni was in the middle of asking Sam if he wanted to catch the baby, when another contraction hit and she came out lightning fast. Luckily, Sam was ready and did catch her, and handed her to me. Sam commented later that it was about 2 minutes of pushing. I don’t know how that seemed like a long time to me, but my brain was a bit preoccupied. 

So at 2:51am, there she was. Literally perfect, and the first thing we saw were her gorgeous, giant dimples in each cheek. She cried ever so quietly for a minute and then settled right down. 

In retrospect, I never even experienced that slight panicky feeling that usually accompanies transition for me. Like with Kayo, I'm pretty sure transition happened at the same time my water broke, and it all moved too quickly for me to notice. Total labor time was less than 3 hours, but really only about 51 minutes from the time I was positive it was labor. It’s nice to have babies fast, but it’s definitely intense.

Best part of everything was definitely being at home, in my own bed. Our big babies slept peacefully while their beautiful baby sister joined us. It was perfect. They all slept through the whole event, Lennox woke up around 4am, and got to come see his baby sister. He didn’t want to go back to bed, but eventually he settled back down and around 5am, Winni (and the birth assistant who didn’t make it to the actual birth) headed out and left us to get some sleep. 

Around 7:30am all the kids woke up and got to come meet their baby sister. Everyone was THRILLED to see her, and they have smothered her in kisses every day since she was born. 

I can’t explain how incredibly perfect she is, or how she fits so exactly right into our family. It’s like she has always been here, even though she’s currently only 6 weeks old. Truly thanking the Lord for His goodness in giving her to us, and His mercy in a smooth and simple delivery. 

Fenna Dawn

April 12 (10 days early), 2:51am 

7lbs, 8oz

20 inches