A Quiet Warrior

Something that happened recently that I want to share.

Somedays it seems like a battle. In the quiet watches of the night it began. No warning. No impending sense of doom. Just out of the darkness came the threat. I rationalize to myself, "it's not real." But it felt real. The horrifying terror, the inability to make it make sense.
I laid there for what seemed like hours. I'm sure wide-eyed and terrified, even if only inwardly. Finally when I could take no more, and there was no relief, I turned and woke up my husband. I asked him to pray. He prayed. A long time passed, or so it seemed. I don't even know what he said, because my own prayers never ceased. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, there was peace. Blessed peace. I don't know what I just withstood. I don't know if there was some trial I had to go through. I don't even know if that fear was for me.

On my way to work the next morning, I was still pondering. The Lord reminded me of this scripture in Philippians 4:7 "And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Now Webster's dictionary defines the word 'garrison' as such:
A military post; especially: a permanent military installation.

I like that promise. God's peace has formed a permanent military installation over my heart and mind. I needed that. That blessed assurance. What a sweet revelation in the assessment of battle.

I don't know who I prayed for that night. But if I faced even a fraction of what you're facing... I pray that God's peace would garrison over your heart and mind. Seems like you'll need it.
And know that, for whatever reason, there is quiet warrior who is fighting on your behalf in the silent hours of the night. And it's not because I'm awesome. It's because Jesus loves you so deeply, that he calls on a random person to pray on your behalf. He loves you. More than anyone you've ever known. More than anyone else ever could.

Life Questions

Now that I've been married over three years the question is constant: "so when are you guys having kids?"
The question doesn't bother me, I know it's only natural. And it's a question I ask myself constantly. When are we going to have kids? I don't have an answer.

It's funny, because as a child, I always wanted kids. I couldn't wait to have kids. Now I'm an adult and the idea of having kids mildly terrifies me. I know I'll never "feel" ready. It's not about waiting to be "ready." Its not even about me being afraid of not being a good parent, although trust me, that thought sneaks in there too.

What concerns me the most is what is the end goal? What is the point of having kids? What is the end result that I should be aiming for when they grow up? These are the unanswered questions that plague me. I watch a lot of people, you see. And I think about a lot things. It seems like some parents lose themselves in their kids. And by the time their kids grow up, they don't know who they are or the person they're married to. They've completely lost their identity in their kids.
I just can't help but think that can't be the way its supposed to be. In my head, I want to raise kids that are independent, passionate and driven. I want to raise kids that pursue their dreams, and don't hold back. I don't want to be surprised when my grown kids have their own lives because that's who I raised them to be. I want my kids to see me and their dad pursue our dreams, serve God, and fulfill the calling on our lives. I want that to be what is normal to them. I think examples are one of the most powerful messages you can send. And I want my kids to see the example of passionate people, that know who they are, know their calling and pursue it no matter what.

It's not about being selfish. Because I know you can't be selfish and have kids. For that matter, you can't be selfish and be in ANY relationship. But I struggle with the idea that you have to throw everything out the door when you have kids. I struggle with the idea that your passion and what you're called to do just somehow disappears the moment you have kids. It seems like that's what I've seen a lot of people do. And maybe that's how it should be, I don't know. I won't pretend to be wise enough to know the answer.

Maybe this sounds incredibly stupid or like a ridiculous over-analysis. But these are the things I have to get figured out, or at least come to some conclusion about before I just blindly jump into having kids. The reason that understanding the end goal matters so much to me, is because otherwise I don't know what I'm aiming for. And I want to understand what I'm aiming for before I try raising another person.
I'm not looking for anybody to answer this for me. I'm not sure that anyone can. But I have to write out my thoughts, before I go crazy.

So these are the things that I think about. The things that I lay awake at night praying about and mulling over. I want to be the best possible parent for my children that I can be.
So here's to the journey.