Disillusion

I was singing these words to my son today while getting him dressed, “all my life You have been faithful, all my life You have been so, so good.” 

And the words caught me for a moment, as I looked into Lennox’ big brown eyes as he watched me sing. Some day I’ll have to explain why I sing the phrase “all my life You have been faithful.” I’ll have to show him and tell him why those are not just words I mindlessly sing. 

Those words have deep meaning. They’ve come from years of faithfulness. Years of serving. Painful seasons. Hard seasons. Humbling seasons. 

I think when we’re young it’s so easy to get disillusioned. We have expectations of exactly how things should happen, how things should look, and when it’s different the disappointment hits hard. We start to wonder, “where are you, God?” “Why did you let this happen?” “Why didn’t you stop this?” 

Believe me, I get it. These were questions I was asking not that long ago. 

I think we misinterpret the faithfulness of God. I think sometimes we think because God is good, he won’t let bad things happen to us. Because he’s faithful, he’ll keep us from suffering. Because we do all the “right things” nothing should be going wrong. 

But that’s not what faithfulness is. Faithfulness means that when I stand in the fire, he stands with me. Faithfulness means when I’m walking in the valley of the shadow of death, he’s walking with me. Faithfulness means that whatever comes, he is with me. 

Sometimes we wait to see the big miracle, but it doesn’t come. We lived that last year in the Madrid home. We waited and believed for a big miracle. We didn’t see it. We woke up on June 15, 2018 and saw nothing. There was no big miracle. We were at a complete loss. We didn’t know where to go, where to start, what to do, nothing. We had no answers.

We were being catapulted into a new realm of faith and trust. One we never would have asked for, or hoped for. 

Since then, we’ve seen miracles. New opportunities, new jobs, etc. But we don’t celebrate the job as if that’s the only expression of God’s faithfulness. We celebrate his faithfulness because he was faithful to us when there was no job. I believe it is the kindness of God, the nature of God, to provide for us. But faithfulness is not just what he does, it’s who He is. 

We saw his faithfulness that whole summer when we had no answers. We saw his goodness in the nothing. 

Disillusionment bothers me. Because we’re all susceptible to it. We all go through hard things. We all face heartbreak and heartache. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re the only person who has had to face something hard and that makes your disillusionment ok. This is something everyone can understand. 

What changes things is when we understand who God really is, in spite of everything we see with our eyes happening around us. 

You have to know that He is for you. In every situation, He is for you. He is working out the very best for you in every moment. When you’re lost, and hurting, He is right there with you. He doesn’t disappear when things go crazy. He’s the Rock. He doesn’t move, change, or leave.   

This is why we have to learn the secret of being content, no matter what comes. The Apostle Paul said it so well, “For I can do everything through Christ, who strengthens me.” 

Life is hard sometimes. But don’t give up. If you hear nothing else, hear that. Don’t give up. It won’t be dark forever, there is HOPE. 

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ,^c who gives me strength. Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty.

Philippians 4:11-14

Songwriting

A while back I was asked to share about my songwriting process. To be honest, it’s taken me some time to figure out what to say about it. 

And honestly, we have to dig a little deeper in order to have this conversation. I’m not going to sit here and give you 10 tips on how to be a better songwriter. Sure, I can give you some ideas, and share my thoughts on what I do. But it’s bigger than that. 

We need to talk about identity. 

Here’s the truth: I’m not a “songwriter.” That’s not a title I carry around or identify myself by. For a long time growing up I was trying to figure out that “title.” How many songs did I need to write in order to consider myself a “songwriter?” How many stories, or poems to call myself a “writer” and not be considered a total fraud? 

I think we really like titles. It makes things easy and we can fit everything into a certain box that makes sense to us. But I could never find a title that fit. Truly. In my head I tried on a dozen different titles and none of them seemed to embody my identity. Like a puzzle piece that’s almost right, but still not quite, nothing fit. 

About 2 months ago, I had this revelation about my identity. I realized I’m a storyteller. And I know lots of people like to claim that title, but there’s nothing cliche about it for me. Because let me tell you, I can look back over my whole life and see how being a storyteller is entwined throughout every moment. All the way back to childhood. It’s in everything I do. It’s how I view the world; how I view people.

This was a very important epiphany for me. It changed the way I view what I do. 

So first of all: 

You need to know who you are. 

If you don’t know who you are, you’ll forever write from an imposter’s point of view. You’ll waste countless years writing from a perspective that isn’t yours and doesn’t fit. It won’t ever communicate what you want it to, because it’s not YOU. You’ll be standing outside the window, looking in at what you want to say but never being able to get to it. 

So first things first, you need to discover who you are. 

• I would suggest a lot of conversations with the Lord, and a lot of time in the Word. But that’s just a quick side note. 

Once you understand that, the rest gets a lot easier. 

For me, songwriting is equal parts process and discipline. 

Sometimes I just have to sit down and work and work at a song, and try a million different things until you find the thing that works. It involves throwing out a lot of ideas, even ones you really wanted to work. It's not giving up quickly when the idea isn't there. The discipline of spending time and effort on an idea is so valuable because sometimes that discipline really does lead you to the result you wanted. Believe me, I've sat at keyboard and played the same chord progression dozens and dozens of times over trying to shape an idea. It's worth it. 

But other times I have found there’s a significant process to (song)writing. I have songs that have sat on the proverbial shelf for years until one day an idea hits me for it. I have songs that I wrote 10-15+ years ago that had a verse or chorus I didn’t like so I didn’t finish the song because I couldn’t “find” the right part. But then I take it out one day, play through it and find the exact phrase that was missing. I’ve learned I have to be ok with that process. Some songs take time to finish. I think songs have seasons. It’s possible I couldn’t finish the song because that song isn’t “in season” yet. Might sound weird, but it’s definitely been true in my experience. 

It was important for me to realize I can’t force something to happen. I’ve yet to see that produce anything. If I try to force something to fit just because I want be done with a song, it’s rarely (if ever) what I want it to be. 

I’ve also found that sometimes I don’t know what I want a song to be, but I definitely know what I don’t want it to be. And I've had to learn to be ok with that tension until I find what I'm looking for. 

Writing is spiritual to me. I can’t just sit down and write something for the sake of writing. There has to be purpose in it. And for me, the purpose always leans toward the eternal. 

I tend to find creativity for it’s own sake is pointless, irrelevant, even. I’m not a good enough writer to sit down and throw something on a page for no reason and have it turn into something worth reading. The truth is, I don’t enjoy reading things that have no purpose. Because for me, it’s about storytelling. Storytelling for no purpose is not really storytelling. 

People need to be inspired. 

People need hope. 

Those are huge priorities to me in writing. It’s fine to write about hard things, but I think you have to give people a light on the horizon somewhere. 

That’s a window into my process, if you want to talk tips or how to write that’s a whole other thing. 

But if you have questions, don’t be shy. I love questions. 

Less of Me

He must become greater; I must become less. 

John 3:30

We’ve heard it before. We’ve said it. Made little jokes here and there. We’ve said it sincerely.

“More of him; less of me.”

I know I’ve said it. But I have to be honest, in my life recently, I’m seeing the reality of that phrase a lot more than I’d like. 

Most often we say that phrase in reference to His presence. We want more of his presence. And in our heads, we think it ends there. 

But here’s what I’m seeing:

Less of me means literally LESS of ME. It’s not that I somehow just evaporate in the presence of the Lord and I’m some weird ethereal being that floats around in a holy, unbothered state.

Less of me means when someone is hurtful to me, I don’t run around proving how I’m right and they’re wrong.

Less of me means loving people who hurt me. Over and over and over again (you think it’s for nothing that Jesus essentially told Peter to forgive endlessly*?). 

Less of me means being patient and kind when someone is rude, short and hateful to me. 

Less of me means waiting with open arms for the people who’ve turned their backs on me. 

Less of me means shutting down my fleshly response when everything in me doesn’t want to. 

Less of me means responding the way Jesus wants me to, even when it pains me to do it. 

Less of me means shutting my mouth. 

Less of me means less of ME. 

It’s not some pious, holier-than-thou phrase we use to sound superior to other people. This is real. It’s high demand. More of him; less of me will not come at an easy time, it will not come without a demand, it will not come without an assault on my flesh. And it’s painful. We think that’s bad somehow or that following Jesus should never cause us pain. Our instinct is to run from anything that hurts us. But that’s silly, immature, and honestly, just bad theology. Take a look at Matthew 21:44 if you don’t believe me. 

But I digress. 

Here’s what I’m learning: less of me is the only way to live. This is where humility is. This is where freedom is. This is where obedience is. This is where LIFE is.  This is where I want to be. Under His authority, submitted to Him in every area of my life. Letting go of all the ways I “know best.” I don’t know best, for the record. In all of my thoughts (and if you know me, you know how much I love to think), I can never know best, or have all the answers figured out. 

I’m thankful for this journey. I’m thankful that in every painful moment that I have to let go of me, He is there to stand with me. To calm my worried heart, and quiet every anxious thought. To heal every hurt and help me turn around and love those who hurt me. 

ONLY Jesus can do that. And I’m so thankful he does. 

*Matthew 18:22

Refuge

We have to chose our refuge. 

Psalm 16:1

Keep me safe, my God, 

for in you I take refuge. 

Sometimes the refuge we long for is the one that will satisfy our flesh. The place that gives room to the emotion and hurt in which we feel justified. The place that acknowledges and pacifies how we’ve been so wronged. The place that allows us to speak carelessly and without self-control to give air to our grievance. We have to be aware, because this refuge will present itself as safety, and comfort; good, even. It won't present itself as a poor choice. 

This place seems harmless and acceptable because we’re “just venting." But this place will bear fruit in our lives and the only fruit it can bear is bitter.  

The bitter place is attractive. It feels safe. It feels good. It satisfies our frustration. And it doesn’t seem bad. But bitter fruit is destructive. We just won’t always see it immediately. It could be weeks, months or years before we see the effects. 

This is not about denying our hurt. It’s not about pretending we’re not frustrated. Both of those things are inevitable. However, we have to choose our refuge. 

The only place that will truly satisfy us, is in Him. He will take the mess we’re in, whether we created it or not, and bring peace. He will be our strength in our weakness, our comfort in our hurt, our source in our lack, our healing in our brokenness. Whatever we need, He is. 

We have to choose Him. We have to choose to die to ourselves. It’s less satisfying in the moment. Because instead of getting to go complain and wallow in my frustration and bitterness, it denies all of that. 

But we’re living for eternity here, not tomorrow. We can manage the ‘light and momentary troubles’* set before us in light of eternity. 

I’m not saying it’s easy. But bitter is not better, and it never will be. 

Let's quiet our flesh today. Let's close our mouths, and instead, seek Him. 
Let us choose Him as our refuge, and there we are safe. 

*2 Corinthians 4:17

Year Eight

We get to celebrate 8 years of marriage today.

8 years. I remember when we first got married, and I couldn’t wait until we’d been married 2 years, or 5 years or 8 years. Time goes by faster than we ever realize. I can’t possibly remember all the moments we’ve enjoyed over the last 8 years. There are far too many to count. 

And as much as I love memories, I’m more of a present and future focused person. I love being in the moment now, and not being distracted by what was. Because now is so sweet.

It’s all the little moments. The constancy. The every day moments, the chats, all the little secrets we share.

It’s enjoying the deep. 

2018 has simultaneously been the most amazing year of our lives, and one of the absolute worst. I don’t really understand how that’s possible, and I never will.

We have been blessed beyond our wildest imaginations by becoming parents.

Our Lennox is an absolute gift. He’s our Anchor to the Lord’s promises; our Miracle baby, or baby of Miracles if you will. 

And it’s not an exaggeration. I know in this social media world we’re in, we think everyone is fake. Let me tell you, we don’t have to fake it. We adore each other. We adore our son, and are so thankful for him. He’s our treasure. Even when it’s late at night and he wakes up for seemingly no reason and fusses. We are blessed people.

We have said goodbye and laid to rest some pretty significant things this year. Still can’t go into detail about all of it. But it has altered our course, and reset us back to the beginning in a lot of ways. We’re still navigating all the questions. The “what’s next”, and “where do we go from here” questions. The “who are we now” questions. Not quite sure about any of it, honestly. But I think we are through the pain of it and now just carefully looking for each and every next step as the Lord leads us. I can't help but think as good as it is, it's still getting better. There is still much greater ahead than behind us. 

As we enter year 9 I am as thrilled as ever to walk out this faith together. Babe, cheers to another year under our belts. Cheers to more fun, more laughter, more sweetness, more unexpected. It doesn't matter where we go, as long as I'm with you. 

Joy and pain, fire and rain,

We’ll be together

You and I.

Ever after, ever always

we’ll be together

You and I

Trust and Obey

Let's say there's a builder, let's call him Chet.

And let's say Chet gets to choose what house he gets to build. Let's say he gets to choose the material to build the house out of.
There's a strong material, that won't deteriorate over time or bad weather, it won't be destroyed by rain or wind, it won't be eaten away by animals or insects. However, it takes time to build this house. It's hard work because every detail of the construction must be precise. It's time consuming, and difficult and rather hard to see any immediate benefit to this construction.

Or he could choose a different material. It's easier to work with and faster to build. It seems to hold up well enough, and overall, it looks better than the stronger material.
So our builder picks the latter material. It cuts cost and saves time. "It's easier", he reasons, "it makes sense."

What Chet doesn't know is that this material rots. Slowly, over time, every slight change in the weather damages this material. It starts in a tiny space you never see and slowly eats away until the whole the structure has been permeated.

And then what? This house collapses.

This is how it is when we build our lives.
We can build with OBEDIENCE, or we can build with DISOBEDIENCE.

Let me tell you, there will always be a reason to choose disobedience. And it will sound quite noble. Logical. "It makes sense", you might reason.

Obedience might not always make sense.
Obedience will ask you to put down your pride (and oh, please, just do it), and all the reasons that you know best.
Obedience is often tethered to something in our future that we can't even imagine yet. If you can obey now, you can obey then. Even when we don't have the slightest idea about 'then' yet. Because remember- our God is the one who wrote every day of our lives before even one of them came to be*. Do you really think he can't write a story you can't fathom? Do you really think he doesn't know better than you?
Obedience is tethered to trust. Almost everything in our lives can be broken down to ONE very simple question: Do you TRUST him?
Our immediate, knee-jerk response is "Yes, of course I trust him!" But do you really? Do you trust him when you don't understand, can't and never will? Do you trust that the valley is exactly where his path led you, because he's waiting for you there? Do you trust that he's there in the brokenness? Do you trust that he's big enough to pick up every piece and make something even more beautiful than what you had put together? Do you trust him when everything is taken from you? Do you trust him enough to let go of every detail your fists are clenched around because you're the only one who can protect them? Do you trust him through every tear? Every gut-wrenching, heart-breaking pain? Do you trust him?

The truth is, your house won't stand when it's built on disobedience. It may hold for a long time. It may look like the real thing. But someday, something will hit that house, and in the blink of an eye, it will be dust. Everything you built will be gone. I could argue that it probably was never very stable, but often it's too hard for us to admit that when we're living in it.

Take a moment and read Deuteronomy 28, particularly verses 15-68. You might notice the heading titled "Curses for Disobedience." Now there might be a part of you that's starting to get mad, or a little indignant. Who do I think I am coming to you and talking about curses?
But for one: that's the Bible- not me. And if it helps you, you can look at it in today's vernacular. You can call it "Consequences of Disobedience." Either way you look at it, I've found you can't escape it. These are the results of willful disobedience.

Obedience is harder, no doubt about it. Not overall, but in the moment, it's harder. But the results, the consequences of obedience are everything. It will give life to all you do. You don't have to believe me, but I've lived it.

The choice is totally up to you. And just so you know (cause there's a little voice that will lie to you), it's never too late to rebuild your house.
Choose wisely today the house you will build.


*Psalm 139:16

The Fixer

I'm a problem solver. Always have been. I love it. And I've discovered I'm good at it. I'm objective and therefore look to find the solution that's best for all.
I think it's a strength for me. But I've learned it's also a weakness. It's not meant to be ungoverned or without self-control. It's gotten me in trouble over the years because I want to jump in and solve problems and fix things that other people don't want fixed.

Sometimes my wanting to fix things takes away the process that someone else needs. Who am I to circumvent their process? It's hard to understand because if I can make it better, why can't I make it better? Doesn't it make sense to make things better? Doesn't it make sense to fix things? Aren't I not doing my job by not fixing all the things?

But today, as I stood in my bathroom doing my hair, the Holy Spirit dropped a little bit of a truth bomb on me:
You're not in the tough situation to fix it. You're in the tough situation to be sanctified by it.

Just. Wow. I can't tell you how many circumstances I can look back on that this was true. I ran around making myself crazy trying to fix it, when the Lord was letting it sit because I needed the sanctification that situation would bring.

How often do we do this? We make ourselves miserable trying to immediately fix everything, pleading with the Lord, our boss, our leaders, anyone who will listen to try and get us out of it, when this is the exact right process to sanctify us.

It's hard to understand. It doesn't make sense to us. It seems unfair. But the Lord is really working everything out for our good, if we'll just believe him.

We need to stop trying to immediately fix everything. We need to stop sparing ourselves the frustration. We need to stop avoiding the pain. The frustration will be there, regardless of our response. I believe we prolong the difficult season by trying to prematurely fix things that are meant to teach us.
We're often very busy trying to deal with the other person who is the "real problem" instead of looking ourselves and asking the Holy Spirit to teach US.

Let's take a moment and consider what this sanctification could actually look like in action.
It could mean keeping your mouth shut. When you want to complain, and talk, and be bitter, your choice will be to keep your mouth shut instead.
It could mean patience. Endless patience.
It could mean being still.
It could mean listening.
It could mean learning.
It could mean you don't know everything. Actually, it definitely means that.

But most of all, it's keeping your mouth shut. You'll want to run around and complain. You'll want to go to your friends and complain. You'll want to go to your boss and complain. You'll want to go to anyone who will listen and complain and hope that they'll fix it for you. But the truth is, it's you. You need to be silent. To be still. You'll have to stop blaming other people for the situation. Sure, it might be their fault. They might be causing the problems. But if the Lord hasn't removed them, it's for a reason. Do you truly believe that the Lord is in control? How far does that belief go? It'll be tested in these seasons.
I've found that most often it's because the Lord is teaching me. And how much will I miss when I'm constantly looking for a way out, or looking at someone else and blaming them when He is trying to address me?

I get it. It can seem unfair. But who ever said this faith walk would be fair? Answer: no one. It's not fair. The Lord will ask things of you that it may seem like he's not asking of anyone else. So what? That's not your business. We're all in a process, whether it looks like it from the outside or not.

And don’t worry, there is a time and a place to be the fixer, the problem-solver. But we need to first ask the Holy Spirit to show us when and where.

All I know is that I'm going to learn to stop rushing to fix everything. I'm going to learn to stop. To be still. To ask the Holy Spirit what I need to learn. It takes submission. It takes humility. Those are two uncommon things now. But they're the doorway to sanctification. Don't be confused by the packaging; this is the thing you've longed for. It's time to step in.