Grace

I feel as though I’m at a precipice. Standing. Waiting. Watching. Things are looming before me that I don’t want to do. Not big or bad things, but life things. 

Aging family, kids growing up faster and faster, and sigh...growing older myself. I never thought much about that part, in the former years. But as I approach 40 in the next few years, it's unavoidable. It’s a strange thing to recognize you’re no longer, gasp, a young person. 
 

And aside from myself, there are simply things closer to this side of life that I don’t want. However, time has no respect for my apprehension. No, it marches steadily on. Our only choice is to make ready ourselves and turn into the storm. 

 

The childish part of me wants to be sad and cry, “But I’m not ready!” As if that will somehow magically slow the clock and allow me more time. But it doesn’t, it can’t. It won’t. 

 

And so, I turn to the only place I can go. Because I know that in every moment where I feel “not ready,” scripture will light my path, even the one I don’t want to walk. 

 And truthfully, I want to walk through all the seasons of life with grace and humility, and dare I say, joy. I want my children to see and know that we can do all things through Him, especially the things we don’t want to do. Even the things we’re afraid of. 

 

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

 

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in times of trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, 

though the earth is transformed 

and the mountains are toppled 

into the depths of the seas.

 

I’m so thankful that in my apprehension and uncertainty, I can run to the refuge of my Savior. He will walk graciously with me and uphold me as he leads me into all the places I don’t want to go and, in my flesh, long to resist. Furthermore, I’m thankful he doesn’t let me stay where I am. 

 

I have this picture in my head where a person (me) is stuck in place, knowing they’re being called to keep moving, but as they glimpse what’s ahead, can’t bring themselves to go. 

But for Christ. But for a Savior, who comes beside. He draws near and I imagine it’s like wrapping an arm around my shoulder gently saying, “Come with me.” 

And then purely by His grace alone my feet can move forward again. Though my flesh wants to resist, my spirit longs to go with my Savior, wherever He leads. 

 

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

So off we go again, one foot in front of the other. Knowing full well that at some point we’ll step into all the places I’m afraid of, and don’t want to go. And that’s when I’ll remember that my Savior still walks beside me, offering me His strength and GRACE.*

 

 

Now your worries might be different than mine in this season of life. Maybe it’s the white-hot, searing pain of loss. Maybe it’s the wake of grief. Maybe it’s broken relationships. Maybe it’s a diagnosis. Or prognosis. Maybe it’s just fear of the future, or regret of the past. 

But no matter what it is, the response from our Savior is the same. He draws near, and with an arm around your shoulder, gently whispers, “Come with me.” 

 

As you enter the deepest valley or are holding on for dear life in the darkest storm, He’s steadily alongside. When there is no light, He will be the light. When your heart aches and nearly breaks into pieces, He’ll hold every one and tenderly mend them together again. 

 

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

 

John 8:12

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 

Some of these roads are long and slow. And this is where we learn the beauty of faithfulness and longsuffering. We learn to carry our cross, as He did. Forever striving toward MORE of Him and LESS of me.

 

John 3:30

He must increase; I must decrease. 

 

As I continue to ponder all of these things, these scriptures resound again and again: 

 

Philippians 4:11-12

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 

James 4:6*

But He gives us more and more grace [through the power of the Holy Spirit to defy sin and live an obedient life that reflects both our faith and our gratitude for our salvation]. Therefore, it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD and HAUGHTY, BUT [continually] GIVES [the gift of] GRACE TO THE HUMBLE [who turn away from self-righteousness].”

 

And this is my refrain as I move steadily forward, “He gives us more grace.” 

Now, come with me, let us walk on. 

Worship

To be honest, no one has asked my opinion on this, so I’m not really sure who I’m writing this to or for. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot. So here we are. 

I’ve been on a few worship teams, I’ve lead a few. I’ve been on a worship team since I was 15 years old (I’m now 36 for reference). It’s been a wonderful way to use my gifts and talents; to give them back to the Lord for His glory, His honor and His purpose. None of it has ever been for me, honestly. Everything has always been from Him and for Him. 

And I guess, if someone were to wonder, that’s the key. You want to be a member of worship team? You want to lead worship? 

Let me help you. 

It’s easier than you think. In today’s church, there might be all sorts of core values and priorities that frankly can distract from one very simple focus. I’ve sat through more collective moral failures than I can count. Sorry for the brutal honesty. It’s frustrated me, even nearly jaded me at times. Forgive me, but it is tiresome to watch leader after leader, team member after team member, fall to immorality and sin. 

There is a simple answer for your worship team, your worship leader, and yourself. 

It has to be a singular pursuit. 

Let me explain. If you are on a team, or platform or stage for any reason other than to honor God, to submit your will to Him, and give Him glory and praise, you will fail. If you are on a platform for yourself, for your own visions, vain imaginations or desires, you will fail. Your secret desire that you mask and hide and manipulate so no one sees it will find you out. It will be seen. Of this we can be certain, because everything that is hidden will be made known. He sees your desire, even if you think no one else does. God will not be mocked. He will not accept your worship when there is an idol in your heart. 

So how do you avoid this? Tough love time: Give up yourself. Give up your desires and your demands. Pick up your cross* - and follow CHRIST. 

I know this is an unpopular idea. An ancient one. It won’t satisfy flesh. But spirit will mature and grow and become more like Christ. 

And isn’t that what we want, CHRISTIANS?

The purity of your heart. I don't mean just from immorality. That shouldn't even have to be said (although, believe me, it does). Pride. Your belief that you know better than God. Trust me it's there, in little subtleties, that often go unnoticed. I mean purity of heart, and focus and pursuit. This is what matters. Not a stage. Not a spotlight. That will all disappear. Your precious earthly accolades won’t be with you in eternity. Every step of quiet faithfulness, obedience, humbly yielding your will to the Lord’s, THIS. Every moment we denied ourselves for the sake of Christ, to pick up our cross and follow Him, THIS. 

This is what will stand. And after all, He has set eternity in our hearts.** This is the light in which we live. 

Make HIM your singular pursuit. Now. Before there is anyone watching or noticing. Before anyone is impressed. And when there is, make HIM your singular pursuit*** again and again. No more, no less. 

*Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

Matthew 16:24-26

**He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God]--yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

***or the LORD, the King of Israel and his Redeemer, the LORD of hosts says this, ‘I am the First and I am the Last; And there is no God besides Me.

Isaiah 44:6

Peace

A while back, I felt like the Lord showed me we were entering a season of peace. 

Now, the fleshy part of me wanted to hope for peace of circumstance, but I knew better. 

Not that circumstances can’t be peaceful. But I doubted that the Lord was going to teach us something that way. 

And lo and behold, circumstances did not show themselves to be peaceful. 

But that’s ok. Because peace is something that happens in spite of circumstances. 

Peace that passes understanding.* 

Peace is not circumstances. Peace is not ease of troubles or concerns. Peace is not sheer simplicity. 

Peace is a responsibility, not happenstance. 

Peace is a choice. Peace is a pursuit.**

And our job is to seek it and pursue it. 

Being a peacemaker is more than just dispelling squabbles and disagreements. It’s choosing to establish an atmosphere of peace. Peace in our relationships, peace in our homes, peace wherever we go, in whatever we do. To choose the peace that shows the grace of God in us. And maybe, just maybe, a peace that looks a little like Jesus. 

I haven’t arrived, by any means. But I’m learning. 

And in the midst of learning to shift my focus to pursuing peace, I felt like the Lord told me we would have a peace baby. 

Our incredible Fenna. 

Fenna: peace 

Dawn: at the first appearance of light. 

She is our reminder of peace, our placeholder to draw us back to the constant pursuit of peace. 

Not of circumstance, but in every moment, every hill and valley, to choose PEACE. 

Not to mention, the most precious gift to us. 

* “And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭7‬ ‭

** “Turn away from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭14‬ ‭

Maybe the most incredible verse of all in regards to peace: 

““Blessed [spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor] are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will [express His character and] be called the sons of God.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭9‬ ‭

Let us be makers and maintainers of PEACE. 

Fenna Dawn

Time to share the story of our sweet Fenna Dawn. 

Pregnancy the fourth time around was much better than number 3. It’s always interesting to me to hear different experiences, but for me, being pregnant with the girls was like a dream compared to being pregnant with the boys. 

I felt great for nearly the entire pregnancy with Fenna. Save that first trimester and it’s nausea, and the last couple weeks, which are always the most unpleasant for me. 

So let’s enter the story in that final two-week window. 

My midwife had warned me that since this was my fourth baby I would likely experience more Braxton Hicks than I previously had, and that proved true. Around the last 6 or so weeks I started having contractions daily, and often for hours at a time. Usually they would start in the afternoon and wouldn’t stop until I went to bed. I grew accustomed to them and didn’t pay too much attention to them after a while. However, the last 2 days of pregnancy, I noticed the contractions shifted from the usual kind and seemed to be uncomfortable, even somewhat painful. The first few I wondered if it was real labor, but as I waited, they never increased in frequency, or grew more painful. Again, they went away when I went to bed, so I dismissed it.
So now we come to April 11, and once again, the contractions started up in the afternoon. They were, once again, uncomfortable and somewhat painful, but since there was no real change with them, we carried on like normal. However, that night when I went to bed, the contractions didn’t seem to ease up at all like they had before. I told Sam that these contractions were staying consistent, but that I wanted to go to bed and try to sleep, just in case it was the real thing. 

It was probably about 11:30pm by this time, so we went to sleep. Or at least Sam did. I laid there for a while and tried to sleep, but the contractions were uncomfortable enough that I couldn’t sleep. So I got up around midnight and decided to do some laundry and try to figure out if it was really labor. 

I walked around the kitchen and living room and tried to rest here and there. Nothing really seemed to change much, but the contractions were definitely uncomfortable so around 1:30am, I called my midwife. I felt silly calling her because the contractions hadn’t increased in frequency but since they were uncomfortable and I needed to mildly breathe through them, I figured better safe than sorry. She had also warned me not to wait to call her, as I tend to have babies fast. 

After listening to me have a couple contractions over the phone she decided she would come and check on things, since it takes about an hour for her to get to our house. 

After that, I woke Sam up and told him I’d called the midwife. In his usual form, he jumped out of bed and started rushing around to make sure everything was ready. 

I spent my time walking around in our bedroom and hallway to pass the time. 

At about 2am, I was (finally) fully convinced it was labor. The contractions finally progressed from their constant state of discomfort and mild pain, to the more frequent and intense contractions. So by that point, I was starting to get a little nervous that Winni (midwife) would not make it. Sam calmly told me it was fine if she didn’t make it, and I agreed. We could do it. 

Sam (my hero) made sure everything was ready while I just focused on each contraction until about 2:40am. My water broke with a pop and gushed down my leg.I squeaked out to Sam that my water had broken and I was starting to feel like I needed to push. He managed to get my pants off and at that moment, there was a knock on the door. Thank goodness, Winni was there. Sam told her my water had just broken and that I was feeling like pushing, so she came rushing in to get all her things ready. She quickly stepped out to call her birth assistant, even though we all doubted she would make in time. 

Just as she came back in, I told her I needed to push. I had been leaning on the bed and she told me that it might be better to be on the bed, as sometimes when you deliver standing up, babies can come out too quickly. She suggested a hands and knees position, so as quickly as I could between contractions (and in a most dignified fashion, I'm sure) I catapulted my 38 weeks pregnant self onto the bed. I leaned on my pillows for support and Winni told me to push whenever I was ready, so when the next contraction hit, I started pushing. 

I have no real sense of time in those moments, it seemed like a long time to me, but in a couple quick pushes, her head was out (no ring of fire this time) and Winni was in the middle of asking Sam if he wanted to catch the baby, when another contraction hit and she came out lightning fast. Luckily, Sam was ready and did catch her, and handed her to me. Sam commented later that it was about 2 minutes of pushing. I don’t know how that seemed like a long time to me, but my brain was a bit preoccupied. 

So at 2:51am, there she was. Literally perfect, and the first thing we saw were her gorgeous, giant dimples in each cheek. She cried ever so quietly for a minute and then settled right down. 

In retrospect, I never even experienced that slight panicky feeling that usually accompanies transition for me. Like with Kayo, I'm pretty sure transition happened at the same time my water broke, and it all moved too quickly for me to notice. Total labor time was less than 3 hours, but really only about 51 minutes from the time I was positive it was labor. It’s nice to have babies fast, but it’s definitely intense.

Best part of everything was definitely being at home, in my own bed. Our big babies slept peacefully while their beautiful baby sister joined us. It was perfect. They all slept through the whole event, Lennox woke up around 4am, and got to come see his baby sister. He didn’t want to go back to bed, but eventually he settled back down and around 5am, Winni (and the birth assistant who didn’t make it to the actual birth) headed out and left us to get some sleep. 

Around 7:30am all the kids woke up and got to come meet their baby sister. Everyone was THRILLED to see her, and they have smothered her in kisses every day since she was born. 

I can’t explain how incredibly perfect she is, or how she fits so exactly right into our family. It’s like she has always been here, even though she’s currently only 6 weeks old. Truly thanking the Lord for His goodness in giving her to us, and His mercy in a smooth and simple delivery. 

Fenna Dawn

April 12 (10 days early), 2:51am 

7lbs, 8oz

20 inches

Disappointment

I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory [my innermost self] rejoices; My body too will dwell [confidently] in safety, For You will not abandon me to Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭16:8-10‬ ‭AMP‬‬

I have spent a lot of time thinking about disappointment. Not because I’m currently navigating it, but because it seems to be one of those things that visits infrequently enough that we’re not really ready for it when it does. 

I think sometimes we (ok, just me?) fear disappointment more than anything else. 

I think disappointment is the one thing that keeps us from truly walking with God, fully and wholly. It’s the line of distance between us. We keep full trust at bay so we aren’t disappointed when things don’t happen the way we thought they would. Subconsciously, we can believe that not fully trusting somehow protects us from the inevitability of disappointment. 

Disappointment is crushing. Scripture even talks about this. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭

Maybe because we cling to the idea that we have some sort of control, that seeing an outcome we didn’t want and can’t change feels unfair. It shifts our vision, and often, our image of how things ‘should’ look. It changes our hopes and plans for the future, and frankly, it’s painful. 

Personally, I feel like the Lord showed me why disappointment is so painful. And why it’s one more area that I am not walking fully and wholly with God. Big oof. 

The reason disappointment is so potent is because I am still fighting for my will. 

The divide between praise and despair in every circumstance is made by my own resistance. 

Instead of surrender to ALL His ways, I want to cling to my outcome. I want to cling to what *I* think God should do. And when He doesn’t, it’s shattering. 

This is why praise in trial and pain isn’t the first reaction. 

So, the Lord told me, “You want to know the way through disappointment? 

Surrender.”

I feel like we have to pause to let that sink in for a moment. Read it again, real quick and let that sit in your heart. 

This is how we consider it joy to face trials of many kinds, as James says. 

This is how we remain content in every circumstance, as Paul says. 

The Lord is the portion of my inheritance, my cup [He is all I need]; You support my lot.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭16:5‬ ‭

The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me], I shall not want.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23:1‬ ‭AMP‬‬

When we surrender, when we fully give up control, disappointment no longer has a seat at the table. We don’t fear disappointment, because the outcome is not our peace; He is. 

The great paradox is giving up control and letting go of my will, and there we find freedom. I don’t mean some elusive idea of freedom that has no tangible meaning. I mean FREEDOM. No longer a slave to fear. No longer captive to my own thoughts or emotions. No longer held by my own outcomes or ideas. 

And I’ve experienced it. Instead of feeling a whole range of emotions in the aftermath of disappointment, there is peace. Joy. And yes, a heart that is ready to praise my Savior for His goodness. Thankfulness that He is faithful and present, my close companion no matter what I walk through. 

And to know fully that He is worthy of ALL my trust and praise. 

Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬ ‭

Foundations

The earth is the LORD’S, and the fullness of it, 

The world, and those who dwell in it.

For He has founded it upon the seas 

And established it upon the streams and the rivers.

Psalm 24:1-2 

You, Lord, laid the foundation of the earth in the beginning, And the heavens are the works of Your hands;

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭1:10‬ ‭

 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about God establishing the earth. There are many scriptures that confirm this idea, it’s not profound to consider. Even Genesis 1:1 states this idea quite clearly; “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” 

 

But there is something even more that I have been considering.

 

I was reading about the Hebrew word for ‘womb’. The word ‘rechem’*, which is derived from the word ‘racham’. The word racham is defined as compassion and mercy. 

This honestly astonished me. The implications of this language are indeed profound. 

First, the womb is intended as a place of compassion and mercy toward mankind: as the Lord opens the womb to bear children. And this is confirmed in scripture when David says that children are a gift, a reward, from God.*** And confirmed again in scripture when it is to the womb of a woman that God sends His Son as a baby.**** THE act of compassion and mercy. 

 

And furthermore, I believe the womb is intended to BE (present and future tense implied)

 a place of compassion and mercy. 

 

You know I’m going to say it, because the implication is clear. The womb cannot be a place for murder (abortion), because God established clearly his intention for it. It is intended to be a place of compassion and MERCY. Not death. Not murder. This is so important for us to understand as believers because though we might be able to justify many reasons why abortion is acceptable and necessary, it is firmly established in God’s word that it is not. 

He has woven his design and intention into the very language we use so that even if in our lofty humanistic “wisdom” and argument, it cannot be denied. 

 

And honestly, I think this is a beautiful thing to consider. Even if you hate the idea of children, it is incredible that our Creator designed the ability and physiology of our bodies in compassion and mercy. His intention toward us in this matter is compassion and mercy. 

It is not burden. Children are not a burden; they are a gift. 

 

 

Of course, we can discuss nuance in situation and recognize that sometimes there are hardships involved in raising a child. Of course, there can be and are. However, the answer should not be killing a truly innocent human being. As Christians especially, we are unable to escape the reality of God’s word. There is no justification for abortion; for the killing of an innocent baby who cannot speak for themselves. Scripture actually addresses that too.*****

 

 

And no, we will not be countering this conversation with a discussion on gun rights, immigration, illegal immigration, homelessness or capital punishment. 

I have plenty of thoughts on these topics, but none of them are going to be addressed here. Just once, we are going to leave this topic as is. 

 

 

Now, please understand, I am mostly talking to believers, as I think our confusion about this is deeply concerning. And I do understand how it might be hard to reconcile what you have been convinced is truth with actual Truth. 

Even if you choose not to acknowledge God, His design is final. I know that can be hard to accept as well, but it is another inescapable reality. 

I am sure that there are many who will disagree, or tell me how incorrect I am. And that's fine. God bless you as you disagree. 

I could see how some could still choose to see this in a different light and interpretation, but I would suggest your ultimate issue might be with lordship and therefore you will never yield your position. That will be an issue only you and the Lord can work out. 

 

I hope that instead of being discouraged or frustrated, you find yourself hopeful. 

That even though a child may not fit into the plan or finances or vision you had for your future, it could turn into the biggest and most incredible gift that you cannot even imagine. 

A child is a gift, from a place of compassion and mercy. 

And as a woman, you are designed with compassion and mercy built into your body. 

What a gift!!

 

 

 

 

 

*https://biblehub.com/hebrew/7358.htm

 

 

** racham: compassion

https://biblehub.com/hebrew/7356.htm

 

 

 

***Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage and gift from the LORD, 

The fruit of the womb a reward.

 

****Isaiah 7:14 

Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call Him Immanuel. 

 

***** Proverbs 31:8-9

Open your mouth for the mute, 

For the rights of all who are unfortunate and defenseless;

Open your mouth, judge righteously, 

And administer justice for the afflicted and needy.

 

Psalm 82:3-4

Defend the weak and the fatherless;

uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.

Rescue the weak and the needy;

deliver them from the hand of the wicked.