Hidden

Hidden

Out of sight 

Out of view

Out of accolades

It's just me and you 

Hidden

Where no one remembers 

Where no one else goes

Where no one notices

Where no one even knows 

Hidden

Where you want me

Where I need it 

Where I hate it 

Where I'll submit 

Hidden 

Out of comfort 

Out of certainty

Out of familiar 

We're proving worthy 

Hidden 

Where you show me 

Where you find me

Where I find you

No other place to be 

Pride

I’ve been thinking about pride a lot lately. I’m bothered by it. I see it differently now than I used to. 

Sometimes I think we’re confused about what pride really is. Growing up I thought pride meant thinking way more highly of myself than was accurate. Or thinking I was really awesome at something when I wasn’t. And sure, you could say that those things are prideful. Or delusional, maybe. 

But I’ve found pride is far more pervasive and subtle.

People like to say that pride is simply thinking of yourself more than you should. I disagree. 

Thinking of yourself more than you should is called being selfish. Pride and selfishness are connected, sure. But they are not one and the same. 

Pride is in everything we think. Pride is in everything we do. Pride is a filter through which everything we think flows. Meaning, everything we think, the choices we make, how we view the world is filtered through pride. Pride controls our perspective. Pride keeps us from seeing what’s true, and makes the truth sound like a lie. 

Ultimately pride equals trust. I trust what *I* think. I trust what *I* know. Simply, I trust ME. 

This is pride. Pride quietly and subtly enforces the house of thought that says “I KNOW BEST.” 

It’s hard for us to recognize this or admit it. Because we’re very good at justifying why our pride is not and could never be pride. But we need to understand that this is pride’s tactic. To never be recognized. Because when we see pride for what it is, it loses it’s hold on us. As long as we deny our pride, it holds all the power and we remain slaves to it. 

You could wonder why this matters. Because you could make the argument that your pride really isn’t hurting anyone else. And for a while, that is probably true. But that won’t last. 

Here’s why: 

Proverbs 16:18 

Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. 

This matters because we need to understand that the Word of God is ALWAYS true. 

This matters because we need to understand that we can’t control the fallout our pride will lead us into. 

We cannot control who our pride will hurt. When that destruction hits (and it will), it will destroy whoever is in our path. That could be husbands or wives, our children. Our friends, siblings, people who look up to us. The list goes on, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. It will be painful beyond our imagination. Beyond our highest thought. All the things we were sure we knew won’t matter at all. 

I know this is hard to believe, and as you’re reading it, you’re getting flustered or upset. Because you’re seeing areas of your life that could be deeply infiltrated by pride, and it’s scary. Because to put down the pride makes us vulnerable. We have to release all control. We have to truly acknowledge that God does know best and we DO NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. 

I know it can seem like there is no hope. But there is. 

We can be humble. We can humble ourselves. It might be hard to know where to start. And this is why the Holy Spirit is such a good friend. He’ll show you where the pride is. He surely has and continues to show me. 

Humility is our only safe path. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie to you. It will seem really unfair. Humility will demand more of you than anything else. But consider for a moment all that is at stake. 

Your children could be at stake. Your future could be at stake. All your hopes and goals could be at stake. 

Pride sits in firm opposition from the Lord. It always has, and always will. It draws the battle lines and hopes we’ll take up arms on it’s side. And most often, we do. Because pride doesn’t sound prideful. Pride sounds like us. It sounds pretty good, right, reasonable, logical and understandable. 

Remember for a moment, Eve, in the Garden. Why did she eat the fruit? Because she was concerned that maybe there was something SHE didn’t know. And that desire stamped out trust. Her need to be in control was greater than continuing in humble trust that God was in control and that everything he had set up was best. 

John 8:32 says that the truth will set you free. This is a spiritual principle. I believe this isn't just about KNOWING the truth. But in every area of our lives, when we know the TRUTH and when we ADMIT the truth (even if it's ugly and wrapped up in our sin and pride) that is when we can truly be FREE. We can't be free from things we can't admit are true.

Humility is quiet. Humility learns to sit in the unseen and be content. Humility learns to go unnoticed and overlooked and not become bitter. 

Humility is willing to admit it's not in charge. It smiles and says “I don’t know best.” It doesn’t demand control, because humility knows it can’t be in control. 

It’s the harder position, because in our pride we want to know best. But it’s the safer position. 

Humility is what keeps us close to the Lord. 

Disillusion

I was singing these words to my son today while getting him dressed, “all my life You have been faithful, all my life You have been so, so good.” 

And the words caught me for a moment, as I looked into Lennox’ big brown eyes as he watched me sing. Some day I’ll have to explain why I sing the phrase “all my life You have been faithful.” I’ll have to show him and tell him why those are not just words I mindlessly sing. 

Those words have deep meaning. They’ve come from years of faithfulness. Years of serving. Painful seasons. Hard seasons. Humbling seasons. 

I think when we’re young it’s so easy to get disillusioned. We have expectations of exactly how things should happen, how things should look, and when it’s different the disappointment hits hard. We start to wonder, “where are you, God?” “Why did you let this happen?” “Why didn’t you stop this?” 

Believe me, I get it. These were questions I was asking not that long ago. 

I think we misinterpret the faithfulness of God. I think sometimes we think because God is good, he won’t let bad things happen to us. Because he’s faithful, he’ll keep us from suffering. Because we do all the “right things” nothing should be going wrong. 

But that’s not what faithfulness is. Faithfulness means that when I stand in the fire, he stands with me. Faithfulness means when I’m walking in the valley of the shadow of death, he’s walking with me. Faithfulness means that whatever comes, he is with me. 

Sometimes we wait to see the big miracle, but it doesn’t come. We lived that last year in the Madrid home. We waited and believed for a big miracle. We didn’t see it. We woke up on June 15, 2018 and saw nothing. There was no big miracle. We were at a complete loss. We didn’t know where to go, where to start, what to do, nothing. We had no answers.

We were being catapulted into a new realm of faith and trust. One we never would have asked for, or hoped for. 

Since then, we’ve seen miracles. New opportunities, new jobs, etc. But we don’t celebrate the job as if that’s the only expression of God’s faithfulness. We celebrate his faithfulness because he was faithful to us when there was no job. I believe it is the kindness of God, the nature of God, to provide for us. But faithfulness is not just what he does, it’s who He is. 

We saw his faithfulness that whole summer when we had no answers. We saw his goodness in the nothing. 

Disillusionment bothers me. Because we’re all susceptible to it. We all go through hard things. We all face heartbreak and heartache. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re the only person who has had to face something hard and that makes your disillusionment ok. This is something everyone can understand. 

What changes things is when we understand who God really is, in spite of everything we see with our eyes happening around us. 

You have to know that He is for you. In every situation, He is for you. He is working out the very best for you in every moment. When you’re lost, and hurting, He is right there with you. He doesn’t disappear when things go crazy. He’s the Rock. He doesn’t move, change, or leave.   

This is why we have to learn the secret of being content, no matter what comes. The Apostle Paul said it so well, “For I can do everything through Christ, who strengthens me.” 

Life is hard sometimes. But don’t give up. If you hear nothing else, hear that. Don’t give up. It won’t be dark forever, there is HOPE. 

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ,^c who gives me strength. Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty.

Philippians 4:11-14

Songwriting

A while back I was asked to share about my songwriting process. To be honest, it’s taken me some time to figure out what to say about it. 

And honestly, we have to dig a little deeper in order to have this conversation. I’m not going to sit here and give you 10 tips on how to be a better songwriter. Sure, I can give you some ideas, and share my thoughts on what I do. But it’s bigger than that. 

We need to talk about identity. 

Here’s the truth: I’m not a “songwriter.” That’s not a title I carry around or identify myself by. For a long time growing up I was trying to figure out that “title.” How many songs did I need to write in order to consider myself a “songwriter?” How many stories, or poems to call myself a “writer” and not be considered a total fraud? 

I think we really like titles. It makes things easy and we can fit everything into a certain box that makes sense to us. But I could never find a title that fit. Truly. In my head I tried on a dozen different titles and none of them seemed to embody my identity. Like a puzzle piece that’s almost right, but still not quite, nothing fit. 

About 2 months ago, I had this revelation about my identity. I realized I’m a storyteller. And I know lots of people like to claim that title, but there’s nothing cliche about it for me. Because let me tell you, I can look back over my whole life and see how being a storyteller is entwined throughout every moment. All the way back to childhood. It’s in everything I do. It’s how I view the world; how I view people.

This was a very important epiphany for me. It changed the way I view what I do. 

So first of all: 

You need to know who you are. 

If you don’t know who you are, you’ll forever write from an imposter’s point of view. You’ll waste countless years writing from a perspective that isn’t yours and doesn’t fit. It won’t ever communicate what you want it to, because it’s not YOU. You’ll be standing outside the window, looking in at what you want to say but never being able to get to it. 

So first things first, you need to discover who you are. 

• I would suggest a lot of conversations with the Lord, and a lot of time in the Word. But that’s just a quick side note. 

Once you understand that, the rest gets a lot easier. 

For me, songwriting is equal parts process and discipline. 

Sometimes I just have to sit down and work and work at a song, and try a million different things until you find the thing that works. It involves throwing out a lot of ideas, even ones you really wanted to work. It's not giving up quickly when the idea isn't there. The discipline of spending time and effort on an idea is so valuable because sometimes that discipline really does lead you to the result you wanted. Believe me, I've sat at keyboard and played the same chord progression dozens and dozens of times over trying to shape an idea. It's worth it. 

But other times I have found there’s a significant process to (song)writing. I have songs that have sat on the proverbial shelf for years until one day an idea hits me for it. I have songs that I wrote 10-15+ years ago that had a verse or chorus I didn’t like so I didn’t finish the song because I couldn’t “find” the right part. But then I take it out one day, play through it and find the exact phrase that was missing. I’ve learned I have to be ok with that process. Some songs take time to finish. I think songs have seasons. It’s possible I couldn’t finish the song because that song isn’t “in season” yet. Might sound weird, but it’s definitely been true in my experience. 

It was important for me to realize I can’t force something to happen. I’ve yet to see that produce anything. If I try to force something to fit just because I want be done with a song, it’s rarely (if ever) what I want it to be. 

I’ve also found that sometimes I don’t know what I want a song to be, but I definitely know what I don’t want it to be. And I've had to learn to be ok with that tension until I find what I'm looking for. 

Writing is spiritual to me. I can’t just sit down and write something for the sake of writing. There has to be purpose in it. And for me, the purpose always leans toward the eternal. 

I tend to find creativity for it’s own sake is pointless, irrelevant, even. I’m not a good enough writer to sit down and throw something on a page for no reason and have it turn into something worth reading. The truth is, I don’t enjoy reading things that have no purpose. Because for me, it’s about storytelling. Storytelling for no purpose is not really storytelling. 

People need to be inspired. 

People need hope. 

Those are huge priorities to me in writing. It’s fine to write about hard things, but I think you have to give people a light on the horizon somewhere. 

That’s a window into my process, if you want to talk tips or how to write that’s a whole other thing. 

But if you have questions, don’t be shy. I love questions. 

Less of Me

He must become greater; I must become less. 

John 3:30

We’ve heard it before. We’ve said it. Made little jokes here and there. We’ve said it sincerely.

“More of him; less of me.”

I know I’ve said it. But I have to be honest, in my life recently, I’m seeing the reality of that phrase a lot more than I’d like. 

Most often we say that phrase in reference to His presence. We want more of his presence. And in our heads, we think it ends there. 

But here’s what I’m seeing:

Less of me means literally LESS of ME. It’s not that I somehow just evaporate in the presence of the Lord and I’m some weird ethereal being that floats around in a holy, unbothered state.

Less of me means when someone is hurtful to me, I don’t run around proving how I’m right and they’re wrong.

Less of me means loving people who hurt me. Over and over and over again (you think it’s for nothing that Jesus essentially told Peter to forgive endlessly*?). 

Less of me means being patient and kind when someone is rude, short and hateful to me. 

Less of me means waiting with open arms for the people who’ve turned their backs on me. 

Less of me means shutting down my fleshly response when everything in me doesn’t want to. 

Less of me means responding the way Jesus wants me to, even when it pains me to do it. 

Less of me means shutting my mouth. 

Less of me means less of ME. 

It’s not some pious, holier-than-thou phrase we use to sound superior to other people. This is real. It’s high demand. More of him; less of me will not come at an easy time, it will not come without a demand, it will not come without an assault on my flesh. And it’s painful. We think that’s bad somehow or that following Jesus should never cause us pain. Our instinct is to run from anything that hurts us. But that’s silly, immature, and honestly, just bad theology. Take a look at Matthew 21:44 if you don’t believe me. 

But I digress. 

Here’s what I’m learning: less of me is the only way to live. This is where humility is. This is where freedom is. This is where obedience is. This is where LIFE is.  This is where I want to be. Under His authority, submitted to Him in every area of my life. Letting go of all the ways I “know best.” I don’t know best, for the record. In all of my thoughts (and if you know me, you know how much I love to think), I can never know best, or have all the answers figured out. 

I’m thankful for this journey. I’m thankful that in every painful moment that I have to let go of me, He is there to stand with me. To calm my worried heart, and quiet every anxious thought. To heal every hurt and help me turn around and love those who hurt me. 

ONLY Jesus can do that. And I’m so thankful he does. 

*Matthew 18:22

Refuge

We have to chose our refuge. 

Psalm 16:1

Keep me safe, my God, 

for in you I take refuge. 

Sometimes the refuge we long for is the one that will satisfy our flesh. The place that gives room to the emotion and hurt in which we feel justified. The place that acknowledges and pacifies how we’ve been so wronged. The place that allows us to speak carelessly and without self-control to give air to our grievance. We have to be aware, because this refuge will present itself as safety, and comfort; good, even. It won't present itself as a poor choice. 

This place seems harmless and acceptable because we’re “just venting." But this place will bear fruit in our lives and the only fruit it can bear is bitter.  

The bitter place is attractive. It feels safe. It feels good. It satisfies our frustration. And it doesn’t seem bad. But bitter fruit is destructive. We just won’t always see it immediately. It could be weeks, months or years before we see the effects. 

This is not about denying our hurt. It’s not about pretending we’re not frustrated. Both of those things are inevitable. However, we have to choose our refuge. 

The only place that will truly satisfy us, is in Him. He will take the mess we’re in, whether we created it or not, and bring peace. He will be our strength in our weakness, our comfort in our hurt, our source in our lack, our healing in our brokenness. Whatever we need, He is. 

We have to choose Him. We have to choose to die to ourselves. It’s less satisfying in the moment. Because instead of getting to go complain and wallow in my frustration and bitterness, it denies all of that. 

But we’re living for eternity here, not tomorrow. We can manage the ‘light and momentary troubles’* set before us in light of eternity. 

I’m not saying it’s easy. But bitter is not better, and it never will be. 

Let's quiet our flesh today. Let's close our mouths, and instead, seek Him. 
Let us choose Him as our refuge, and there we are safe. 

*2 Corinthians 4:17

Year Eight

We get to celebrate 8 years of marriage today.

8 years. I remember when we first got married, and I couldn’t wait until we’d been married 2 years, or 5 years or 8 years. Time goes by faster than we ever realize. I can’t possibly remember all the moments we’ve enjoyed over the last 8 years. There are far too many to count. 

And as much as I love memories, I’m more of a present and future focused person. I love being in the moment now, and not being distracted by what was. Because now is so sweet.

It’s all the little moments. The constancy. The every day moments, the chats, all the little secrets we share.

It’s enjoying the deep. 

2018 has simultaneously been the most amazing year of our lives, and one of the absolute worst. I don’t really understand how that’s possible, and I never will.

We have been blessed beyond our wildest imaginations by becoming parents.

Our Lennox is an absolute gift. He’s our Anchor to the Lord’s promises; our Miracle baby, or baby of Miracles if you will. 

And it’s not an exaggeration. I know in this social media world we’re in, we think everyone is fake. Let me tell you, we don’t have to fake it. We adore each other. We adore our son, and are so thankful for him. He’s our treasure. Even when it’s late at night and he wakes up for seemingly no reason and fusses. We are blessed people.

We have said goodbye and laid to rest some pretty significant things this year. Still can’t go into detail about all of it. But it has altered our course, and reset us back to the beginning in a lot of ways. We’re still navigating all the questions. The “what’s next”, and “where do we go from here” questions. The “who are we now” questions. Not quite sure about any of it, honestly. But I think we are through the pain of it and now just carefully looking for each and every next step as the Lord leads us. I can't help but think as good as it is, it's still getting better. There is still much greater ahead than behind us. 

As we enter year 9 I am as thrilled as ever to walk out this faith together. Babe, cheers to another year under our belts. Cheers to more fun, more laughter, more sweetness, more unexpected. It doesn't matter where we go, as long as I'm with you. 

Joy and pain, fire and rain,

We’ll be together

You and I.

Ever after, ever always

we’ll be together

You and I