2016: Great Expectations

I have high expectations of the year ahead. I’m not talking about resolutions. I don’t care much for resolutions. I’m inclined to think they’re silly. If you want to make a change, just do it. You don’t need a new year to change things, you just need a decision. 

But I digress. 

I’m in the home stretch to my thirties, and I fully expect my thirties to blow my twenties out of the water. All this time has been prep. I expect to cross that threshold. And things are gonna change. 

I expect my thirties to realize some major things. Sorry, let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

I have some specific expectations for 2016. 

I expect to have more confidence in 2016. I expect to be more self-assured in 2016. I’m disinclined to live by other people’s opinions anyway, but I expect 2016 to be a turning point. This might not make sense, but I expect to have a surer footing in 2016. A stronger foundation. I even believe that 2016 is a launch pad for all the dreams and purpose I’ve been longing for. I expect that 2016 will be a year of intimacy with the Lord. A closeness like never before. I expect that 2016 will be a year of revelation. Which only makes sense. Intimacy breeds revelation. 

I expect 2016 will answer questions; a lot of questions. 

Ultimately, I expect 2016 to be a good year, full of obedience and new challenges. 

It's time to start rehearsing these words. 
Get a mark on the target so I know what I'm aiming for. 

So here’s 2016. A whole new year. 

Things To Remember

So I have this list. It's simple, maybe silly even, but these are things I want to remember, in case there are times when I forget. 
It's actually quite personal, as most of it are things that matter to me deeply. 
But I digress. 

Things To Remember

Never choose to isolate yourself. Separation from someone you love is never the solution.

Always remember that love is a choice. 

Always honor your commitments and be a person of your word. 

Never forget that life is not meant for the temporal, but the eternal, so everything does matter. 

You'll make a difference no matter what you do; make sure it's for the better. 

Discipline in love is what counts, not punishment from anger. 

Never make important choices when you're upset. Make your choices when you are calm. 

Always fight to make things right and to work things out. 

Never be satisfied with giving up, on anything. 

When you want to give up, remember your strength is the Lord's, so get up and keep going. 

Keep your passion for being like Jesus at the front of your mind.

Keep perspective. Always ask the question: why do I do what I do? 

Don't be afraid of doing something no one else understands, sometimes you have to stand alone to make a difference. 

Nothing will ever replace honesty and integrity. They are worth fighting for- even when no one else does. 

Remember it's ok to not have all the answers. 

Don't let your emotions tell you what to do. Make your decisions intentionally, with a clear mind. 

Don't let fear of failure keep you from what you need to do. 

Don't be lazy. Laziness will bring you nothing, and take you nowhere. 

Enjoy life right now. 

When it comes to kids: 

Love means that I will do what it takes to teach my children to be kind, selfless people. 

Remember, love disciplines. 

Don't parent out of your need. What you had, or didn't have. Parent out of what your children need. Know them well enough to do it. 

Never Stop

some things I’m afraid to let go of

some things I’m afraid to hold on

some things make sense in the moment

some only make sense when you’re gone 

some days I wish it was easier

some days I wish I could stop

some days I wish it was over

most days I’m glad that it’s not

sometimes I have all the answers 

sometimes I have none

sometimes you know at the start 

sometimes you only know when it’s done

I’ll always keep on fighting

because we know, it’s now or not

we know that I’ll keep going

the truth is. 

I’ll never stop. 

Revolution

I've never understood it. I've always been a fighter. Not angry. Not looking to prove myself, or pick a fight. But inside. I've always felt like a warrior. Like I belong on the front lines. 

What's crazy to me, is that I still feel like I haven't gotten there. 

I've served. And submitted. My whole life, it's all I've done. It's all I know how to do. 

Not because I couldn't go do something revolutionary. Or because I didn't want to. Revolution is my heart. It's in my warrior blood. 

But I've never felt released to go do it.  

Because I think the thing about revolution is that it has to be released. I feel anointed for revolution. But I won't get there if I go before I'm released. 

King David was anointed to be the king of Israel while there was still another king on the throne. How interesting that must have been. We often think that since we're anointed, that means we possess it immediately. But sometimes you're anointed, and your time hasn't come. So your job then, is to wait. And serve. And submit. And be FAITHFUL. 

Because the truth is:

Revolution is not for the weak. 

Revolution is not for the lazy. 

Revolution is never about status. 

Revolution is never about popularity.

Revolution by definition is about a new system, a change of order. Or maybe it's about a shift of order. A reclaiming of order. A repossessing of order. 

Revolution is not a choice. Either you're called to it, and you'll do whatever it takes, or you're not and you won't. I know I'll do whatever it takes. 

And maybe I'm totally crazy. Maybe my time will never come. But I'll be ready for it, no matter what. 

Sorry Culture

I realized today that I've probably never once thanked God for the body that I have. I can't remember ever thanking him for it. Which sounds utterly ridiculous. I've spent years frustrated over my size, shape, metabolism, build, skin color, you name it. I've complained about it.

How incredibly ungrateful. I am mortified that I've never thanked God for giving me the body he gave me. Psalm 139:14 says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My body is a gift, perfectly designed, uniquely chosen for ME. God made no mistake in knitting my body together. Who am I to say it's not right? Do I know better than the Creator? 

Enough complaining about my body. I am going to be grateful. I'm going to thank God for MY body. Enough being spoon-fed our thought process on body image and beauty. It's time to break out of the mold. It's time to think for ourselves.
Sorry, Culture, that would demand me to be dissatisfied. Sorry, Culture, that tells me I'm not thin enough. Sorry, Culture, that would prefer me to live in shame over not having the "perfect" body. Sorry, Culture, that doesn't make clothes to fit people with my body type. Sorry, Culture, whose trends and fashions are impossible to keep up with. Sorry, Culture, that makes it clear at every possible moment I won't ever be good enough. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!! 

Sorry Culture. I'm done with you. 

Where Am I Found

Where am I found 

Is it in you? 

Where am I now

Am I with you? 

I am caught 

Between empty things 

And forgotten dreams 

And things that aren't what they seem 

I am confused 

By what I see 

By what I don't 

And what I think should be 

And my soul screams 

Where am I found 

Is it in you? 

Where am I now

Am I with you? 

I am called

To walk this road 

And to leave a mark 

Even if I stand alone 

I am content 

Because You don't fail 

And You don't leave 

You don't even sleep at all 

And now I know 

Where am I now? 

I am with you 

Where am I found? 

Only in You 

The Way We Were

I was reminiscing the other day on where I was 5 years ago. Quite a different place, quite a different person, I suppose. 

Not radically differently. Fundamentally speaking, I don't think I've ever changed. I love Jesus, passionately. Passionate about serving Him, no matter what the cost- and believe me, I've counted it. 

I am ok with letting ideas challenge my naturally black and white logic. It's interesting that my husband's job has become paramount for challenging my thought process. It's difficult to watch people be hateful towards you or what you do and determine that your response can and must not be anything other than deep and sincere kindness. I guess Jesus was pretty familiar with that. 

For anyone out there who thinks poorly of me, or thinks I'm crazy,  just know that Jesus is still working on me. I guess you can take consolation in the fact that He is still challenging me to be more like Him. The only thing going for me I guess, is that I want Him to change me. I'm not resistant to it, because it's all I really want. 

But I digress. 

There are certain times and places, people that I miss. At times it's hard to remember we were close once. Every now and then I wonder what it would be like if we still were. But it's quite irrelevant now. Lots of good memories, and fond times. And certainly some unpleasant ones as well. But those days are long gone. Thankfully. Ha. 

Nevertheless, I am immensely thankful for where I am now. The people that have been brought into my life have helped push me to be who I am supposed to be. Thank God for them. Thank God for everyone who ever took a chance on me. It was risky, but it made all the difference for me. Life really is a journey. I just hope I end up where I'm supposed to be at the end of it. 

But that's just me. If you dare to be so transparent, who were you 5 years ago? What would you change? Would you choose anything differently? 

Real Life and Superheroes

I've always felt like a hero. Yikes. That sounds big. And self-important. I don't mean it that way. I've just always deeply identified with THE hero. I've always been willing to give up what I want for the good of others. I deeply identify with the righteous quest of the hero. It's how I feel about life. But the thing is, this is real life, and we're not superheroes. 

It would be so easy if I was a hero in a book. I would just be handed my quest, or stumble upon it in some dark cave and then I would start off on my journey to save the world. It would be simple, and I would know my path. It wouldn't be easy, because what hero's journey is? But I'm ok with that. I don't mind things being difficult, as long as I know my goal, my purpose. 

I'm a task oriented person. I don't mind the task, as long as I know that in the end it will get me where I'm supposed to be. 

So what does a task oriented person do without a task? What's a hero without their journey? Just waiting, waiting...waiting. Looking at all the possibilities and still having no answers. It's infuriating. Part of me is screaming, "SOMEONE GIVE ME MY TASK!" But in reality, I'm not sure I'm even ready for it. I want to be though. 

I'm not afraid of hard work, or sacrifice. I'll gladly sacrifice if it will make a difference. Here's hoping the journey continues, or the next task reveals itself soon. 

This isn't a self-pity sort of post. Quite the opposite actually. It's amusing, humorous even.
It's just my process. Mulling over my thoughts. Trying to figure them out. Maybe even make sense of it all. 

After all, a hero doesn't like to sit around on the couch watching the world go by...